The Depths of My Darkness
by Cassie Jamie
Summary: Eirtae has a secret and it's just been found out...There's cursing, so be forewarned...
1. Part 1

Disclaimer:

I don't own Janeway, Chakotay, etc.I'm not using this for money.Yatsa, Yatsa, and Yatsa.

Claimer:  
I own the characters of:Ireland Elizabeth Janeway, Jamison Rose Janeway, Moira Kady Janeway, Justin Chakotay Janeway, Cristin Hughes Janeway, K'Atja Lexi Torres, G'Iovanna Ava Torres, S'Kyler James Paris, Thomas Eugene Paris Junior, Kenji Hallen Kim, and Annique Nelle Kim.I also own Justin Hughes Janeway, Nikolai Lucas Pavlik, and Eliza Delaney-Richards.

ETC:

I think some one said that they thought Harry being married to Seven would make the story better, so I'll clarify.Annika is Seven of Nine.The children grew up being told to call her Annika, so that's what they call her.The adults call her Seven.

-*-*-

The Depths of My Darkness

Part One

-*-*-

In the immortal words of Scrooge – Bah Humbug!You have to see the insanity of Christmas here!ARGHH!Believe me listening to Aunt Lanna's whining is not fun.Especially since she's Klingon.Isn't she NOT supposed to whine?!?!One of these days…

-*-*-

"Eirtae!" Mam yells.

I'm in trouble…"What?"  
"Where's Moi and Jami?"

"Good question!"God, I LOVE copping an attitude.Nothing's better then that.

Mam walks into my room, "Watch that tone, young lady!"

"I'm not a lady and I'm not young.Moira and Jamison are young.J.C. and Cristy are young.I am a teen girl."

"What is wrong with you?Are you sick again?"

"Nope."

Mam taps her foot, waiting for me to explain.

"Come on, Mam.You know I don't like the fuss everyone makes!Because there's like a thousand holidays to plan for and everyone just kills their rations on stuff no one's gonna use!"

"You never really liked Christmas." She sits down on my bed.

I feel a sappy 'heart-to-heart' coming on.What is with her?

"Why don't you like Christmas?"

"'Coz I don't."Did I mention that on the earth calendar I was born December twenty-fifth?

"Real answer, Ireland Elizabeth."

Jeez, she used my name…"I don't know Mam!Maybe it has to do with Justie!Do you realize that this is the fifteenth Christmas that has passed?Unless you count the one we were born on then that's the sixteenth, but…"

"Eirtae!Calm down!"

Bingo."Can I please just go to the holo-deck now?"

"No.We're going to discuss this.This time you aren't running off to the holo-deck.You've been there too much lately."

So what if I spent like…a hundred hours in the holo-deck?

"What is with you and the holo-deck?Anytime a serious issue comes up, you go running there.Straight to the music and the games.Like it's all that's keeping you alive."

"I like it alright.It's better then the insanity of this ship!Have you seen what Aunt Lanna's getting Uncle Tommy?"

"Nice try.I want an answer, Missy."

I look at her; "I just want some quiet for once.Maybe I'll feel Justie again.I miss him."

"As you should, he was your twin." She's playing with my hair…

"Stop." I push her hand away, "I'm going to find some place quiet on this god-forsaken ship and think." I get up and walk into the living room, "Hark, how I want to get some sleep…hummm…"

-*-*-

Well, that was pleasant!Now just have to get past…

"Hey, Eirtae!Wait up!" Atex yells.

ARGH…One day…Just one of quiet and solitude…Is that really too much to ask?

"What, Atex?"

"Oh, quit your whining!"

"Shut up, ya' self." I reply walking fast.

"What's the matter with you?You aren't usually this humbug-ish!"

"I'm tired, I'm cranky, I miss Justin Hughes, and I want some quiet." I replied, glaring at her.

"Oh.I'll leave you alone."

There is a god.

I turn the corner and jump onto the Lift, before Anva can say anything.

-*-*-

I walk onto the holo-deck, and call out, "Computer, run program I-E-J-Oh-four-eight-eight-alpha-one."

The program begins running and I look around.It's a simple one, made by Kenny and I, a few years ago.It's a house from the year twenty-oh-one.It's got two floors.On the first floor are the living room and a bathroom and a kitchen and a playroom and so on.Upstairs are a bunch of bedrooms – one for me, one for Kenny, one for Anva and Atex, one for my sisters, etc.Trust me, this house is big!But it's cozy and warm.

I plop down on the couch, "Replicate clothing.Account zero-one-one-eight-six-alpha-nine-four-seven-one. Sweater, oversized, turtleneck, ribbed, white.Pants, hunter green, stretch style." They appear before me and I change into them.I pull the ponytail holder out of my hair and undo the French braid.I pull my hair up the way I like it – a ponytail with a piece of hair around the base so you can't see the holder.

I sigh and get up.I guess I'll let you in on my little secret.In the twentieth and twenty-first centuries, there was this psychological disorder.You might know of it – it was called cutting.It's when 'someone cuts themselves in order to relieve pressures of stress, peers, etc.'.Don't ya' love the textbook versions?They make it sound like a bad thing!Well, actually it kinda is, but it's addictive.(The Doctor would murder me if he knew about this, but do to my advanced knowledge of computers, I can erase his memory of healing me of injuries.)

Hidden in the back of the cabinet under the bathroom sink is a razor blade.I take it and walk upstairs to my bedroom.It's the only place I really feel safe.I hope I can take a copy of the program with me when we leave _Voyager_.

No!Get a grip, Eirtae…God, I'm so tired.

"Well this has been a great day…" I sigh, and lock my door.I pull up my sweater, and look at my stomach.I pick up the razor and slid it across my skin.Nothing.

"Goddamnit." I breath, "Computer.Turn off safety protocols.I-E-J-Six-Four-One-One-Alpha-Omega-Three-Beta."

"Safety protocols are turned off."

I pull the razor across my stomach, and watch as cut is left behind.A little too deep, but nothing a dermal regenerator can't fix.Blood drips out onto my pants, and I know they are ruined, but this feels so good…I do it again, and this time I know that I'll be making a trip to the Doctor and then erasing memory.And once more I do it again, this time shallower.

"Ireland!"

Aw shit…That ain't good…

"Papa!"Is it just me or is it getting darker?

-*-*-

Opening my eyes, I'm hit with the brightest lights in the universe.Wait a second…Please tell that was dream.A horrible, untrue dream.I sit up and look around.

DAMN SHIT FUCK CRAP!Sickbay.I'm in trouble.Yes, siree.Maybe if I sneak away…

I jump off the bio-bed and head for the door.

"Hold it, Eirtae!"

This is soo not fair.I turn around and come face to face with Mam, Papa, The Doctor, Uncle Harry, Auntie Annika Aunt Lanna, and Uncle Tommy.I'm deadmeat.

"I was just going to…umm…umm…"

"Sit down, first off." Papa says, his tone wavering as if he were going to cry but holding back.

"Alright." I look around and then sit down on the bio-bed I had previously occupied.

Uncle Tommy looks at me, as the doctor walks over to check my cuts.Guess they were deeper then I thought.

"You cut yourself badly, Ireland." Uncle Tommy says, "Those three cuts were pretty deep and there were a few others that you managed to open when you were struggling against us."

"I did what now?"

"You don't remember?"

"No." I look at The Doctor.

"You were somewhat coherent when your father got you in here, and you weren't very happy.You struggled against us for a good while.I couldn't even sedate you because you would smack me away.It took your parents, Seven, B'Elanna, Tom, Harry, Tuvok, Samantha, and Naomi to hold you down before I could give you something and restrain you."

I nod, pretending to be upset.Truthfully, I coulda handled it.I'm not incompetent.

"How long, Ireland?" Aunt Lanna asks.

"How long what?"

She sighs, "How long have you been cutting yourself?We could probably count each of the scars and the healing cuts but we don't know how many you used a regenerator for."

I look from adult to adult, judging how much space is between them.I'm relatively small, I could…

"Don't even think about it, Ireland." Papa says, "Tuvok is outside with Allen.You'd never make it past them."

"Since I was twelve."

"Four years." Auntie Annika says.I guess she's trying to process it.

"Why?" Mam asks, finally speaking up.

I sigh and sit back, playing with the scab on one cut, "I dunno." I pick a piece of the scab off.

"Ireland…" Papa warns.

"Or what?" I pick off another piece.

"If we have to hold your arms down, we will." Uncle Harry says.

"And he speaks!" I love having an attitude…or have I mentioned that before?

Mam leans her hands on the bio-bed, "Ireland Elizabeth, please just stop with the attitude.We just want to know what we need to know, so we can help you."

"Ha!If you want to help me, let me go back to our cabin and go back to bed.Not make me sit here, listening to your stupid adult talk about problems, because I know it's coming!So lay it on, Mother!I know you want to start so bring it on!"

I hear a hissing sound and I know that the Doctor in his infinite wisdom has decided to sedate me again.At least I can sleep now…

-*-*-

To Be Continued…

-*-*-

J Cassie Jamie J

[noahXfiles@aol.com][1]

Please Review!

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	2. Part 2

Disclaimer:

I don't own Janeway, Chakotay, etc.I'm not using this for money.Yatsa, Yatsa, and Yatsa.

Claimer:  
I own the characters of:Ireland Elizabeth Janeway, Jamison Rose Janeway, Moira Kady Janeway, Justin Chakotay Janeway, Cristin Hughes Janeway, K'Atja Lexi Torres, G'Iovanna Ava Torres, S'Kyler James Paris, Thomas Eugene Paris Junior, Kenji Hallen Kim, and Annique Nelle Kim.

I also own Justin Hughes Janeway, Nikolai Lucas Pavlik, and Eliza Delaney-Richards.

-*-*-

The Depths of My Darkness

Part Two

-*-*-

"Ireland?" A voice pierces my unconsciousness.

Unfortunately, my head is pounding and whoever's talking is **really** loud.

"Don't yell." I say, more of a whisper then anything.

"Sorry." Uncle Tommy says, picking up my hand, which I jerk away.I can hear him sigh.

"Ireland, we are trying to help you."

"Uncle Thomas, with all do respect, go 'ta hell."

"Ireland Elizabeth Janeway!"

I roll over and try to go back to sleep.

"No dice, Ireland." He says, walking over to get in my line of sight, "Why?I want an answer, miss.I'm not going to drop this, so you might as well talk."

I stay silent.

"Ireland, there's is no one here, and I promise I won't tell."

"You'll tell.You are the puppet of Aunt B'Elanna and Mother."

"Cross my heart."

"I'm not talking."

"Look, Eirtae, until you give us some insight to why you began cutting, your mother's confined you to sickbay, so that the doctor, Aunt Sam, and I can watch you."

Great.Just great!Now I've been confined by my own mother!

"Eirtae…"

I look at him, "I need something.Please a razor, a knife, a piece of paper.Anything." I beg.I **_need _**to cut.I have too.I have to get rid of this pain.

"No."

I sit up, "Please!Uncle Tommy, I need to!" I notice a laser scalpel out of the corner of my eye and grab for it, but my perception is off so badly, that I miss and end up on the floor.

Uncle Tommy is there soon enough, and picks me up.He gently puts me back on the bio-bed, and keeping one eye on me, walks over to the cabinet.He pulls out a bunch of restraints, and walks back to me, "Do I need to put these on you or are you going to pull another stunt like that?"

Sheepishly, I look up at him, "No.I'll behave."

"Alright." He puts them down on the bed next to me, and walks over to the Doctor's office to talk to him.

God, I'm such a good liar.I mean I know what's going to happen, but I need to get rid of this pain.

I jump off the bed and walk over to the tray.I keep an eye on Uncle Tommy, like he did to me just moments before, and grab the instrument.I move quietly to the corner of Sickbay that's out of the Doctor and Uncle Tommy's view.

Turning on the scalpel, I tune it so it's just strong enough to cut, but not cut deep.I pull up the sleeve of my pajama shirt and carefully bring the tool toward my skin.It contacts and a cut forms, but I didn't set it right.The cut runs deep and blood begins to ooze out immediately.Okay, not good.This is way too much blood.

"Uncle Tommy." I call out, "Hey, Uncle Tommy!"

As I thought, he came running over, the Doctor right behind him."Mother of God…" Uncle Tommy breathes, before picking me up again, and puts me back down on the bed for the second time.As I watch the two of them heal my arm, I am once again sedated.

-*-*-

_"Wow." I murmur, as I walk into this new place._

_It's the most beautiful place I've ever seen.It's got purple clouds, and a teal sky.The grass is yellow with silver flowers and a forest of orange trees all around.In front of me, however, is a clear ocean._

_"Welcome to the pixie world, Rela."_

_I whirl around, and come face to face with a teenage boy about my age with skin and hair like Papa's.He has Mam's blue eyes, though.But I know who this is.This is the voice from my dreams.It's a voice I know well._

_"Justie…" I say, softly, and throw my arms around him._

-*-*-

Tom tightened the last restraint around his niece's wrist.The Doctor looked at him solemnly, "We should inform Kathryn of this."

"No, not yet.She's probably sleeping, and if she isn't, we shouldn't interrupt her.You and I know that she really shouldn't be spending all her time here.It's not healthy for her or for Ireland." Tom replied.

The Doctor shook his head, "We still have yet to figure out why she's cutting herself."

"I know." Tom looked up, "We have to stop sedating her.If she gets angry enough or scared or needy enough, she'll tell us."  
"Good point."

Tom sighed and shook his head, "She's in withdrawal.She's been doing this longer then she says.From what I know, it's addictive.From the way she just acted, it was like she was coming off of some drug and she'd needed a fix."

"It's probable.We're just going to have to keep a better watch on her.She can't be left alone.She's obviously not herself.If she were herself, that scalpel would have been set correctly."

-*-*-

_I follow my brother to the water's edge, "So this is where you live?"_

_"No." Justie shakes his head, "I came here to help you."_

_I stop and look at him, "Not you too!There's nothing wrong with me, Justie!"_

_"Oh really." He counters, "Then why is everybody afraid to let you out of their sight?Why don't they want you to leave sickbay?Why are you being restrained?"_

_"Because they don't understand!"_

_Justie sits down on the beach chairs that have suddenly appeared, "Sit."_

_I do as he says, too tired to complain._

"Now I want you to sit here with me, until Uncle Tommy calls you.And I'll wait for you to come back to explain."

"Why don't I just explain now?"

"Because Uncle Tommy's going to call you soon, and you won't have time."

"Uh huh."

**"Ireland.Come on, Eirtae, time to wake up."**

"Told ya'." Justie smiles, "I'll be here when you get back."

"What if I don't come back?"

"Then I'll can run about this realm, yelling that I have the greatest sister on the planet." With that, he fades away into nothingness.

-*-*-

"Noo, Justin.Don't leave me." I try to reach for my brother, but my arms move no more then an inch or so in any direction.Neither will my legs.

I open my eyes and look to see restraints on my wrists, ankles, and waist.

Fuck.Goddamn Uncle Tommy, I wish I could jump off a bridge.

"Good morning, sleeping beauty." Uncle Tommy says.

"How long have I been asleep?"

"Two days."

I look at him, "Take these off."

He looks back, "No can do, Eirtae.I'm not allowed."

"Why?"

"Because first off all, The Doctor has issued a medical order that no one but him can remove the restraints, and second, after that little close call, I'm a bit weary of taking them off you for any reason other then to use the bathroom, and even then, Aunt Sam has to come with you and stand outside the door."

"Jeez.What am I?A prisoner?"  
"That's how you see it, Ireland.We chose to see it as protecting you."

"Big surprise." I move my arm to scratch an itch.Oh, yeah, damn stupid restraints, "Uncle Tommy, could you scratch my shoulder?"  
"Sure." He reaches over and drags his nails across my shirt.

"No, stronger." I say, and he digs his nails deeper.

He he he.I'm such a little devil child.I smile at the pain I'm getting.

Unfortunately, Uncle Tommy sees and understands, "Nice one, Ireland."

"Please, do it again."

"No."

I sigh.He can be so stubborn when he wants, "Take them off." I demand, holding up my arms.

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"IF YOU DON'T TAKE THEM OFF, I'LL SCREAM UNTIL I'M DEAD!"

"No." He replies, still as calm as before.

Now I'm pissed and upset, "TAKE THEM OFF! TAKE THEM OFF!" I look at him, and see that he isn't going to crumble to screaming.Alright…

I begin to struggle against the restraints and cry, "Please!Take them off!Please!" I beg, struggling to pull myself against them.

Uncle Tommy's eyes dart between me and the hypospray that's on top of the cabinet, "No." He says, and looks at me, "Ireland – scream, cry, be as combative as you'd like, but they're staying on and I'm not sedating you again."

Okay, on to pleading, "Uncle Tommy, just one then!You know better then anyone else that I hate to be held down.Please, I'm scared."

"Honey, I know, and I'm not going to let anything happen.But if I let you go, you could try to cut again, and I won't be responsible for perpetuating your behavior."

"You make it sound like a bad thing."

"It is.It's a serious problem, Ireland." Uncle Tommy tells me.

Like I didn't know that before!I learned that in health six months ago.Apparently skipping meals on a regular basis is a bad idea too.That's me, the anorexic cutter!

Uncle Tommy sighs, "I assume you realize that you've been skipping meals."

"Yep."

He pulled up a chair beside me, "So, are you going to talk to me, or am I going to have to tickle it out of you?"

I look back at the ceiling and laugh, "Thanks.I haven't laughed like that in a long time."

"So how long have you really been cutting?I know it's more then four years, like you told us."

I sigh, "Five and a half years if you want to be technical.I did it right after I got that F in Foreign Diplomacy."

"You were ten and a half.How could it have been that bad?No kid cares about their grades then."

"Try being the Captain's daughter and say that.I had Uncle Harry, Papa, Mam, Meg, and Allen bugging me.Plus Eliza just had to show off that she aced the class.I remembered that I had read something somewhere about cutting, and I decided to try it.I cut a little too deep, and ended coming here and deleting the Doctor's memory of treating me.I didn't do it for three months after that, and then I did it again, and again, and again."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I thought I could stop whenever I wanted, but eventually I couldn't stop.I had to do it everyday.It was the only way to get rid of all the pain."

Uncle Tommy's shaking his head, "I wish you had told us."

Yeah, yeah.All adults say that.

"So are you going to try and get better?"

"Truthfully – prolly not."

"Prolly?"

I smile at him, "Yep.It's the same thing as probably."

"Another arcayic word?"

I nod my head, "So can you please ask Uncle E to take these off."(Just so ya' know, I call The Doctor Uncle E, as in Uncle EMH.)

"Sure." Uncle Tommy gets up and walks to the Doctor's office.

I sigh and look around.I notice that some crayon pictures are taped up on the wall by me.I can tell that they were drawn by my little sisters and my younger cousins.Except for the PADD taped up as well.It was a picture.One of me and Justin Hughes with Mam and Papa.

Uncle E walks over, "So can we trust you not to try anything stupid?"

I think for a second, "Yeah."

"Okay." He replies, beginning to pull off the one off my right wrist.He finishes that one, and I pick up my hand to look at it.

"It's a hand, Eirtae." Uncle Tommy teases.  
"I know that!" I smile, as my other hand is freed followed by my ankles, and then finally the one on my waist is pulled away.

Uncle Tommy and Uncle E each take a hand and pull me to a sitting position.I groan and then stretch, "Oh, that feels so nice."

"It should!"

I yawn and reach onto Uncle Tommy for support as I get off the bio-bed.I get my balance, and head toward the door.

Uncle E steps in front of me, "Where do you think you're going?"

"To go to my home."

"Sorry, Ireland, not until your mother says you can."  
"Well, then…CALL HER!"

"Chill, Eirtae." Uncle Tommy says, "I'll go get her." He walks out of Sickbay and I smile – I'm going home.I'm going to sleep in my own bed, and everything will go back to being the way it was…

-*-*-

Cassie Jamie

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Please Review.

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	3. Part 3

Disclaimer:

I don't own Janeway, Chakotay, etc.I'm not using this for money.Yatsa, Yatsa, and Yatsa.

Claimer:  
I own the characters of:Ireland Elizabeth Janeway, Jamison Rose Janeway, Moira Kady Janeway, Justin Chakotay Janeway, Cristin Hughes Janeway, K'Atja Lexi Torres, G'Iovanna Ava Torres, S'Kyler James Paris, Thomas Eugene Paris Junior, Kenji Hallen Kim, and Annique Nelle Kim.

I also own Justin Hughes Janeway, Nikolai Lucas Pavlik, and Eliza Delaney-Richards.

-*-*-

The Depths of My Darkness

Part Three

-*-*-

"I HATE YOU!" I screamed at my mother.

Now I know what you're thinking, 'Oh, Ireland, you don't mean that.You love your mother.'Well, have I got news for you.I hate her.I wish she would drop dead right now!I HATE HER!

"Ireland…" Mam starts, trying not to cry.

"Bite me, mother.You are an evil person, and I hate you!Go to hell and rot!" I yell and walk to the room adjacent to Sickbay.

Of course, I **can** still hear the adults in the other room.My mother's crying (bitch), and Uncle Tommy and Uncle E are trying to calm her down.As for Papa, he's walking to me.

I press my back up to the wall as he walks in.I'm nervous as hell – as well as pissed.

"Eirtae, come here."

I just push further to the wall.

Papa walks closer, "Ireland, I have never laid a hand on you, I've never hurt you, and I never will.So please come here."

"A'ight.You da' boss." I murmur and walk over.

He shakes his head, and pulls my chin up so he can look at me, "We love you, Ireland.We love you very, very much.And your mother is just trying to keep you safe and alive."

"By confining me to Sickbay for two more weeks?!?!" I cry, stepping back.

"Yes."

"Well, ya' know what.That's crap, Papa. That's B.S. and you know it!She just doesn't want to look at me because I'm a disappointment.I was never good enough and I never will be, and she doesn't get that I'm not perfect."

"That's not true, and you know it!" Papa counters, "She has always known that you aren't perfect and neither me nor your mother think of you as a disappointment."  
"Then take me home!Let me go to the holo-deck!Let me see Anva or Atex or Kenny!Let me see my sisters and J.C.!Just get me out of this place!I want to be home for Christmas!"

"Sweetie, you don't even like Christmas."

"Just because I despise it doesn't mean that I have to miss J.C. and Cristy's first one!"

"Sorry."

I turn my back to him, "Go away."

"No." Papa says softly, "Eirtae, why are you still fighting us?You already admitted that you have a problem…"

"No!I didn't!I told Uncle Tommy that I cut and that I skip meals, but I never said I had a problem!I can stop when I want."

"Then why'd you tell your uncle that you can't stop?"

"Because I thought it would get you people off my back."

Papa sighs, "Well, sweetheart, I'll see you in a little while."

With that, he leaves.No kiss, no 'everything's going to be fine' talk, no hug, no 'I love you', nothing.He just walks away.

And he wonders why I hate – it's because I'm hated by everyone.

-*-*-

Okay, day one of confinement went relatively well.Of course, around noon I started twitching.Strange.I didn't think a person went through withdrawal from cutting.

Uncle Tommy walks into the room and hands me a PADD, "G'Iovanna…"

"Anva."

"Right, Anva, asked me if I could bring you a note."

"Thanks." I tell him, taking it and read it.

_ _

# Eirtae – 

_Hey.Everyone heard what happened.Robbie is so upset that he hasn't been outside of his quarters in like three days._

_Eirtae, can you explain to me why?Or why you didn't tell me?I realize I sound like my Dad, but you coulda told me.I would have understood and you damn well know it._

_I have to go.I'll see about coming to see you later._

_-- Anva._

Is everyone going to bitch at me?!?!Now Anva's in on it!I'm going to kill her.

"Ireland," Uncle E says, walking over, "I walk to see your arms."

"Why?"

"Because there's some thing missing out of the cabinet."

"And that would be?"

"Just show me."

I've I mentioned I wish I were dead?"Fine." I pull up my sleeves.

He looks all over them and then looks at me, "You've been picking at the scabs again."

I just stare at the ceiling.

"Ireland Janeway!"  
I hate my name."What?"

"Why have you been picking them?"

"Because I feel like it." I reply, putting as much venom as possible in my voice.

Uncle E sighs, "Well, stop it or we'll go back to having the restraints."  
"Yes, sir."I tell him, and he walks away.I know full well that that's Uncle Tommy and Uncle E's only tactic for keeping me in line.I'm scared to death of not being able to move.I don't even remember why anymore, I just remember the emotions.The fear, the sadness, the helplessness.It's like Uncle Tommy's fear of the stasis tubes.

And speaking of the devil, "What's up?"

Uncle Tommy looks at me and shakes his head, "Guess who's playing therapist for you."

"You."

"How'd you know?"

"Well it wasn't going to be Papa."

"So, do you want to go on the holo-deck?"

"Hello!I'm not allowed to leave Sickbay!"

"Nah, I got permission to take you out."

"Mentiroso, Mentiroso, Su pantalones son en fuego."

"I don't know Spanish, Eirtae."

"I said, Liar, Liar, your pants are on fire."

"Oh really." He held up a PADD for me to look at.

"Well, I temporarily love my mother again."

"That's a start.Come on." He says, taking my hand.

I pull my hand back, "No."

"No?"

"Everyone's going to be afraid and pity me.I'd rather stay here."

"They're not going to be afraid or pity you, believe me they won't.Everyone's just nervous that you could hurt yourself again."

"Uncle Tommy, I know what it's called.It's called cutting and you can actually say the word.It doesn't bother me." I turn my head away.

"Oh really."

"Really."

"Fine.We're nervous that you could cut again, and it's something we'd rather avoid."

"Uh huh.So what's on the agenda first, doc?"

Uncle Tommy smiled, "Well your sense of humor is back."

Well would you rather I bitch and yell and shit like that?Humor that's all that's keeping you people from saying I'm fucking insane.Of course, I prolly am.

"Eirtae, snap out of it!"

"What?" I whine.

"So you gonna tell me why you told your father that you could stop if you wanted and that you just said stuff to get us off your back?"

"Because I want to go home."

He nods, "We knew that from the beginning."

"Well, I should hope so with all the screaming I did."

I carefully slide two of my fingers into my shirt sleeve and begin to pick at one of the scabs.Luckily, Uncle Tommy doesn't see.He keeps talking and I keep answering, all the while he doesn't realize what I'm doing.

I am good!  
Aww, shit.

"Ireland, you're bleeding!"

Astute observation, Watson!You're an f-ing genius.

"Give me your arm."

"No."

Uncle Tommy grabs my wrist and pulls my arm forward.He proceeds to shove my sleeve painfully up my arm, making me happy.

"Hey, Doc!"

Uncle E appears in all his holo-gram glory, "What happened?"

"She picked them again." Uncle Tommy replies and grabs a dermal regenerator, "Now I'm sure you're in withdrawal."

I try to pull my arm back, and only get Uncle E holding me.

"Not again, Eirtae." He says, gesturing to the hyposprays, which reminds me that he could sedate me in an instant.

Sighing, I give up my fight.I'm just not in the mood to dream of Justie.

"That's better." Uncle Tommy looks up at me.He releases my arm."You have to stop, or you will never go home."He stops and shakes his head, "Sounds like something your mother would say."

"Oh, great, now I'm my mother!" I snort.

"Go to bed now." He orders.

Lovely.I feel like I'm in the brig.But of course, I obey, and he grabs a chair.He places it next to my bed.

"What are you, the guard?"

"Yep."

At least there aren't any restraints.

-*-*-

_"Ireland was my best friend.She was the only one who could make me laugh when my mom was being more Klingon then human." G'Iovanna spoke, "She loved to play with the younger kids, especially Cristy and J.C. and Kyle was her favorite person to wreak havok with.I'm going to miss her playing with the holo-deck and kicking our butts at human chess.I'm going to miss the way she'd always get us out of trouble, and how she loved to be with us.I hope she's happy with Justie, where ever they are."_

_G'Iovanna sat down in her seat, and K'Atja stood up.She walked over to the podium, "I can't really say much more then G'Iovanna did.I know I'm going to miss her calling us by our nicknames.I guess I'll miss being called Atex, but it was her idea to come up with them, and wouldn't want to keep it if she wasn't here to be called Eirtae.I'm going to miss her so much."_

_K'Atja sat down, and looked at the coffin in front of the people._

_Ireland was laid out, dressed in her favorite outfit – a silver dress that came to her ankles.Around her neck she wore a choker of blue velvet with a teardrop pearl hanging in the middle.Her hair was so ornately done, that no one would ever be able to recreate it.She wore no shoes, as in life she didn't like them anyway.On her left hand, on her ring finger, was a silver band with an aquamarine stone._

_The coffin had been lined with the blanket from her bed, and in her right hand she held both a rosary and her baby blanket.The pillow under her head was Moi's and the one at her feet was Jami's.J.C. and Cristy's pictures were taped up on the inside.The final touch had been Tom's idea – two rattles, one blue and one pink, were on either side of her head.Her and Justie's rattles._

-*-*-

I shot up in bed, hyperventilating.

Oh, thank god, it was a dream.Just a dream.Or so I hope.

-*-*-

Cassie Jamie

[noahXfiles@aol.com][1]

Please Review.

   [1]: mailto:noahXfiles@aol.com



	4. 

The Depths of My Darkness - Part Four

Disclaimer:

I don't own Janeway, Chakotay, etc.I'm not using this for money.Yatsa, Yatsa, and Yatsa.

Claimer:  
I own the characters of:Ireland Elizabeth Janeway, Jamison Rose Janeway, Moira Kady Janeway, Justin Chakotay Janeway, Cristin Hughes Janeway, K'Atja Lexi Torres, G'Iovanna Ava Torres, S'Kyler James Paris, Thomas Eugene Paris Junior, Kenji Hallen Kim, and Annique Nelle Kim.

I also own Justin Hughes Janeway, Nikolai Lucas Pavlik, and Eliza Delaney-Richards.

-*-*-

The Depths of My Darkness

Part Four 

-*-*-

Ever have a dream that scares you?Scares you so much your heart pounds and what was once reality seems…scattered and not what it used to be?

I had that dream last night.A dream, that pushed my face into the place in my mind that I've not dared enter.

But with those thoughts I can only imagine what life would be like if I wasn't around.I mean it's not possible that that could happen, but I wonder what life would be like without me…

Actually, I don't want to know what life would be like without me.That would be the crappiest thing that could ever happen.I mean who could have Voyager without Eirtae?Who would've created _SecCre Voyager_?Or come up with the nicknames?

No, I know what my reality is.I need to get home.

-*-*-

I sit up in the bed.The chronometer on the wall tells me it's way too early for anyone except the night crew to be up.

I have a plan.

Jumping down quietly, I grab my clothes from off the table and pull them on before making my way to the door.But I remember something and walk back to the panel.

"Computer.Lock EMH in deactivation mode until zero-four-hundred."

"Command unknown."

Oh, Kenji…Brat…He is in trouble now. Mess with my secret commands will you…

"Computer.Lock EMH in deactivation mode until Janeway, Ireland E. is out of the vicinity of Sickbay."

"EMH locked."

See these are the secret codes my parents should check.

"Computer.Temporarily deactivate profile, Janeway, Ireland E."

"Profile temporarily deactivated."

Another one they should delete from the sub-routines.

I walk out of sickbay, and make my way to the lift.I hop on and call for the deck the holo-deck is on.

"Ireland?"

Fucking hell.Atex.

"Yeah?"

"Aren't you supposed to be in Sickbay?"  
"Ummm…nooo."

"I'll go along with you, but if I were you, I'd haul.Your mother is coming this way."

I hug her, "Thanks, Atex.I'll see you in a little while." I released her and took off.

I run down the corridor and cut through one of the experimental bays.I nearly run into some of the crewmembers, but manage to make it to the holo-deck without being caught.

"Computer.Lock holo-deck doors."

"Holo-deck doors locked."

I sigh with relief, and think for a second."Computer, run program Janeway-I-Delta-Two-Six-Alpha-Nine."

_SecCre Voyager _appears around me, and I make my way to the DJ.

"Can I help you, Eirtae?" DJ Frizzle asks.

"Yeah.Play _Time Warp_." I have a plan.

"Will do."

"Thanks, Frizz-man." I say, and make my way to one of the groups of girls standing by a table.

The music begins to play and every hologram makes their way onto the floor.I walk toward the staircase, go to the second floor, and then enter in a door.Leaving it open a crack, I watch the holo-deck door.

As I thought, about two minutes later, the door opens and there's mam.She says something to Papa and then to Uncle Tommy.The program dissapates and with a sicking thud I land on the floor.

"GOD DAMNIT!" I yell, as a rub my head.A bump is already forming.

"Watch it, Ireland!" My mother scolds.

"Fuck off."  
"IRELAND ELIZABETH JANEWAY!"

I walk toward the door, but, surprise, surprise, Mam walks in my way."Move.Now."

"No."

Now I'm pissed.

"Look.I'm not a golden child.I'm not the best freakin' daughter in all the galaxy.I will never live up to your expectations.I'm only sixteen!Stop making stupid goals for me!Papa may say that it's not true, but I know it is in my heart.You don't know how happy I would be if you would just BACK OFF."

Mam stares at me for a second – she's pissed…I'm sooo dead.

"Ireland…I've never expected more from you then I thought you could handle."

"Liar!That is an outright lie!"

"Prove that it's a lie."

"Let's see…How 'bout the year I started talking about Justin?You told me he was a figment of my imagination!"

"That was because you were three!I didn't want you to worry about him."

"So lying to me was the answer?!" I yelled back, it was a half-question but more like one thing I could yell to see when she would break.Yeah, yeah…so I'm not a sweet angel…

Papa steps in front of Mam, "Alright…Eirtae.I'm going to ask you a couple of questions.You answer them and we'll forget all about this."

"A'ight." I wearily reply.I'm too tired of this.

"Do you think you are capable of earning good grades?"

"Yeesss."

What the hell does that have to do with anything?

"Do you know that your mother and I love you?"  
"Most of the time."

"Alright…You know your sisters and your brother need you?"

"Yes."

"Then what more do you think we expect of you?"  
He's inching towards me.Like I don't notice.

"Stop moving toward me, Papa.I'm not an idiot.And there are times where you expect a hell of a lot more."

"Like?"

"How about two days to recreate a place I've never been that there were no good records of for Naomi and Allen's wedding?Or babysitting for everyone of the kids on-board the night before my Finishing test?I almost failed if you happen to remember.How about having to clean up after the two of you after you two got drunk? Last I checked I'm sixteen!Not forty!You are **MY **parents – not the other way around." I rant at the top of my lungs.

"You remember all of that?" Papa looks at me teary-eyed.

"I remember everything.I remember when we all thought Annique was going to die.I was the only one calm enough to take care of Auntie Annika.I think I was eight or nine years old."

"I thought you'd forgotten that."

"Apparently you think I've forgotten a lot of stuff, Papa."

"I really underestimated you, Eirtae."

Nice tactic."I thought I was yelling at you because you expected too much."

Papa is smiling at me like I'm a raving lunatic.Of course at the moment, I **AM** a raving lunatic.

"Sweetheart, I underestimated what you are, who you are.I used to think if I let you go for too long, I'd lose you just we lost Justin.I guess I should've noticed a long time ago that you aren't leaving without a fight…"

Why is it that every time something like this happens, everything starts going black?

-*-*-

_"Ireland, hold my hand.Don't let go, baby-girl."_

_"Don't worry, Papa.I'm alright."_

_ _

_"Eirtae?Come on let's go to sickbay."_

_"I'm just tired, Mam."_

_"But nothing.What if you're sick?I don't need you getting sick, then Jami and Moi getting sick."_

_"Alright, Mam.But I'm telling you – I'm fine."_

_ _

_"Anva was just joking!Why would we do anything like that?"_

_"I don't know.You tell me."_

_"Damnit, Mam!You of all people should understand me!"_

_"I just don't want you to get hurt."_

_ _

_"Mam, you're drunk."_

_"I know."_

_"Uh huh."_

_"Listen, honey, I just want you to know I love you."_

_"I know that, Mam."_

_"I don't ever want to lose you."_

_"I know, Mam."_

_"I don't want lose you the way I lost my baby boy."_

_ _

I finally manage to wedge my eyes open and look around.Wait a sec.What the hell.I'm home. I'm not in Sickbay."Mam?"

She appears in my doorway looking as though nothing has happened, "Yes, sweetie?"

"Who are you?And what have you done with my mother?"

She laughs at me, "I would've thought you'd say something like that."

Now I'm scared.

Mam sighs at me, "I haven't forgotten, Eirtae.I just got smart to what you were saying." She sits down next to me and starts pulling my bangs out of my eyes, "For so long I thought just as your father had.I thought if I kept you occupied with school or friends or children then you wouldn't realize that you were going up, becoming a woman with the greatest dreams and goals.I don't think I ever realized what it was going to be like for you.All I knew was if I let you go, I might lose you."

I breathe in deep and then begin to speak as best I can, "There is a chance with life, Mam.Eventually we all die; it's just a matter of when.Justie died, but I'm not an infant.I'm not sick, or dying.I'm just a teenager.I just want to be a teen.And letting me do that, doesn't mean you're going to lose me.I might have to murder my cousins for doing stupid stuff like playing with the computer or being complete morons, but I'm not like Anva and Atex who fly like idiots.You are not going to lose me."

Anything else that could've been said is pointless, as my mother draws me closer and hugs me.Maybe Christmas isn't so bad at all.

-*-*-

Cassie Jamie

[noahXfiles@aol.com][1]

Took me long enough.

   [1]: mailto:noahXfiles@aol.com



End file.
